Broken Toys..

As children bring their broken toys, with tears, for us to mend;
I brought my broken dreams to God because he was my friend.

But then instead of leaving him, in peace, to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.

At last, I snatched them back and cried, “How could you be so slow?”
“My child,” He said, “What could I do? You never did let go….”

 

…found in an old notebook; unattributed but, sadly, not mine.

A thought.. What would a Buddhist business look like?

This isn’t elegant, or eloquent or profound. It’s just a little though I had while catching up on my RSS.

Some posts on engaged Buddhism, a little from “The Social Business Blog”, Doug Richard’s “The Naked Business”.. and then a thought. What would a Buddhist business look like?

Could my business be a Buddhist business? how would that manifest?

How many kinds of businesses could run entirely on dāna. Not charities, I don’t think the flow of money or intention would be the same, but commercial entities with variable fees set by the customer based on worth… kind of Gordon Ramsay-eque (but perhaps with more mindful speech). Ethical, honest, mindful entities.

..thoughts,
Buddhist businesses,
..a penny for them. or whatever you think they’re worth.

Of Shoes and Ships and Sealing Wax..

So I have a confession to make.
As I mentioned, I have recently moved house and during the process of boxing up my material goods I threw away:

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6 black sacks of clothes
2 black sacks of shoes
1 black sack of coats
1 black sack of bags
4 black sacks of paper
2 black sacks of generic junk

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That’s 16 black sacks, at 70 litres each, 1120 litres or
40 cubic feet’s worth of unnecessary clutter
which I did, of course, appropriately donate / recycle.

That my life had accumulated so much inconsequential junk is probably very telling a condition. It’d be difficult not to assert that we manifest outwardly only what is held within and, much like my internal state, some of what I was surrounding myself with was needless clutter, burdensome, and blatantly rubbish; some was perfectly viable gear, just not for me (“what possessed?!?” items) and some was truly a wrench to throw away.

You see, and here’s another somewhat redundant titbit, I’m a classic hoarder.

On the one hand I am somewhat of a reluctant materialist. Though I wish I could train myself into a Buddhist detachment from worldly goods I must sadly admit I am frequently motivated by money and ‘things’. To compound this, I am also hopelessly sentimental and cling on to worthless ticket stubs, notes, gifts, cards, photos and other mementoes going back years and years, all in shoe boxes. I revisit them regularly, scared incase I forget why I am keeping them.

But much like my childhood, where my better memories are of re-watching my youngest years captured on home movies rather than any recollection of the experiences themselves; I fear I, at times, imprint the memento, video or photograph over the feeling of actually living. So that when I come to think of the first moment I saw the dust, flame red, over New Delhi at dawn, I see the photograph I took to capture it. I have to mentally struggle to see past the frame of the photograph.

..Mementoes of friendships that didn’t survive past graduation, cards from beloved relatives who have long died, that broken necklace I meant to fix, the knitting I started and swore I could finish, the beautiful lamp I picked up in Chiang Mai night market but never changed the plug on.. all gone. The memory of each? Making me smile as I type.

And should I forget the memory of picking through the sand of the Sardinian coast now I have thrown away the shells I brought back, tucked into her empty cigarette packet? If I forget the smell of her tobacco and the sea?

That is the nature of progress. We’ll all fade out of memory someday. In trying to hold on to the past we forget the present, we forget to look outside the frame of this moment’s photograph. In forgetting to live now for the people among us we resign ourselves to a lifetime of memories, those we held on to too tightly and the memories of the people we overlooked and lost in doing so.

So if you see me pocketing that theatre ticket? Hiding behind a video camera?
Remind me..
40 cubic feet says I ought to be happier to forget.

Lesson 3: Don’t Carelessly Flap Your Wings

Today was a timely and necessary illustration towards the concept of ‘living in the moment’. I could not in a million years have predicted the ebb and flow of the day and I wouldn’t have survived any attempt to foresee, halt or change the course of events that occured.

What pleases me most, I think, and on a day where it almost seems cruel to be pleased at all such is the havoc I have left in my wake (*note to butterflies everywhere, don’t carelessly flap your wings) is that I didn’t hold back and I acted on two distinct impulses. Both unexpected, both of which felt right, both were fraught with barriers (fear, insecurity, path of least resistance) and accordingly, both of which I could easily have over-analysed into inaction. Similarly, I didn’t act on another impulse, which if I am honest felt instinctively wrong, but I desperately wanted and could easily have rationalised as right.

I made choices.
I feel like I made the right choices.
I survived the day.
Yet I am in vast amounts of pain and have caused Tornados in Texas

So I can’t help but wonder how to reconcile my desperate need for independence and completeness of self, with an awareness and care for everyone and everything else. If I act solely in my own self interest for a short while as I am going to need to do (because, surely, if anything has been learnt to date it is that the chasm created by my insecurity, faithlessness in my worth and low entire lack of self esteem, cannot be solved by my attachments to drugs or food or, more importantly, to people.) Then, in this instance, what is my responsibility and rational for the pain my personal growth causes others?

But i guess i already answered my own question.
I mustn’t carelessly flap my wings. Or to rephrase. Be far more mindful of causing unecessary harm.

Second Lesson.. ‘just me’

Be gentle first with yourself – if you wish to be gentle with others.
– Lama Yeshe

Feeling like the last 24 hours were an exercise in mercilessness: throwing myself in at the deep end of a series of pools of unknown magnitude. The good news is I realised that I could still swim. However, I could probably have found that same information out by simply climbing into the pool down the steps.

And though I think it was an interesting and worthwhile (if not, indeed, vital) exercise, from tomorrow I’ll be looking for middle ground. Which is tough as I have never yet felt comfortable within the grey scale.

So I have been mulling over the concept of neither wanting and pursuing everything my heart desires until I get it and more, nor restricting, shutting down, closing off and stepping away entirely but rather accepting with grace what is given and is available..

My conclusion?
I should tread more softly and allow myself more time, as anything I construct this quickly will fall just as fast. I have years to build a foundation strong enough to sustain all that I can be and I owe this time to myself. I am my own worst enemy. Constantly pushing. Never good enough. Expectations which, in the rare case they are not altogether unachievable, are certainly unsustainable.

And what hypocrisy as I urge and advise you of your beauty and accept you as a whole. Those things you regard as flaws sitting as neatly in my idea of you as those things you pride yourself upon. No value attribution. Just you.

…and now, to find ‘just me’.

My lesson to Myself for today

It can be difficult to accept others and to accept ourselves.
“I should be better. I should be something different. I should have more.”

All of this is conception; it’s all mental fabrication. It’s just the mind churning up “shoulds,” “ought tos,” and “supposed tos.” All this is conceptual rubbish, and yet we believe it. Part of the solution is to recognize that these thoughts are conceptual rubbish and not reality; this gives us the mental space not to believe them.

When we stop believing them, it becomes much easier to accept what we are at any given moment, knowing we will change in the next moment. We’ll be able to accept what others are in one moment, knowing that they will be different in the next moment..

– Thubten Chodron