You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘decisions’ tag.
Me: “Why are you making all this effort if, when it comes to it, you’re just not interested in it. It’s like forcing yourself to finish a book you don’t enjoy – where’s the value?”
Friend: “That’s it though, isn’t it? You’ve got to sacrifice the short term in order to secure longer term happiness”
Me: “..but what happens if you continue to do that?”
Friend: “You’ll be very happy in the perpetual tomorrow.. ..Oh.”
Having recently spent some time confronting the frustration that my ‘alternative’ career (life?) path occasionally inspires in others, I took to wondering for a while whether I should seriously consider making that antipodean step into .. ‘traditional’ employment.
And I admit, I do have moments, whole minutes even, where I wish I had taken a more conventional option; gotten a stable job with regular hours and a wage that arrived, in my bank account, each month. Found a nice house with a manageable mortgage, taken yearly holidays to destinations you can buy guide books for..
But what I suppose becomes clear to me, as I grow weary of these daydreams within seconds, is that I’d tire of this life before I even began to build it.
I’m in the Scottish Sunday Times today, a long and flattering article which makes me blush to read. And I know that if even a line of what is written there about my future prospects comes to pass, all the stresses and frustrations I speak of, and all the rest yet to come, will have been worth it.
If not a phoneme rings true a decade from now? As my stable wage chips slowly away at my debt, and normalcy has truely claimed me?.. Well, at least we can all say I went down fighting.
I promise to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable,
that I will never accept what I am told,
that I will never fall in love with safety and forget liberty
I promise that I will look for the lie in every pretty story
and the bribe in every convenience.
Today was a timely and necessary illustration towards the concept of ‘living in the moment’. I could not in a million years have predicted the ebb and flow of the day and I wouldn’t have survived any attempt to foresee, halt or change the course of events that occured.
What pleases me most, I think, and on a day where it almost seems cruel to be pleased at all such is the havoc I have left in my wake (*note to butterflies everywhere, don’t carelessly flap your wings) is that I didn’t hold back and I acted on two distinct impulses. Both unexpected, both of which felt right, both were fraught with barriers (fear, insecurity, path of least resistance) and accordingly, both of which I could easily have over-analysed into inaction. Similarly, I didn’t act on another impulse, which if I am honest felt instinctively wrong, but I desperately wanted and could easily have rationalised as right.
I made choices.
I feel like I made the right choices.
I survived the day.
Yet I am in vast amounts of pain and have caused Tornados in Texas
So I can’t help but wonder how to reconcile my desperate need for independence and completeness of self, with an awareness and care for everyone and everything else. If I act solely in my own self interest for a short while as I am going to need to do (because, surely, if anything has been learnt to date it is that the chasm created by my insecurity, faithlessness in my worth and low entire lack of self esteem, cannot be solved by my attachments to drugs or food or, more importantly, to people.) Then, in this instance, what is my responsibility and rational for the pain my personal growth causes others?
But i guess i already answered my own question.
I mustn’t carelessly flap my wings. Or to rephrase. Be far more mindful of causing unecessary harm.
I have recently created a physical space for myself that is new, challenging, frequently frightening and within which I have worked hard to begin the difficult process of eliminating my reliance on safety nets and comfort blankets.
Yet, as I continue (begin?) to figure out who I am, what I am doing, what I want to do and how I can be of use in this world, I continue to post here under an anonymous blog.
Next step.
Have the faith in myself, and those around me, to be able share this blog and thus to admit to:
Who I have been*
(frequently false, scared, confused, angry, lost, thoughtless or selfish)
Who I am*
(learning, growing, healing, listening, reclaiming responsibility and becoming independent)
Who I aspire to be*
(beneficial, oriented, honest, open and accepting, clear, calm, mindful and compassionate)
..and in admitting it, finally begin to reconcile the words I write in cyberspace with the words I speak, and the actions I take in my life on this planet.
* I have always, and will continue always, to love. Love completely. Love fearlessly. Love unwaveringly and Love without reason, expectation, analysis or question.
In fact, that’s the first thing I can add to my bio.
“I Love”
Today the entire height, breadth and depth of my insular world is weighing on my chest.
I’d describe it as somewhat of a difficult day but this has me thinking about what ‘difficult’ would actually even mean in this context. Clearly the day itself isn’t difficult. Getting through today is simply a matter of staying still and not expiring for 24 hours while the world goes about its merry way around me. I could do this and accordingly the weight would lift. But the gravitas exists because, try as I may, I cannot let the world alone. I have to act upon the will to change my life and my world, and as we all know acting upon a decision is what makes it real. Doing something about it is what causes it to have been a decision and not simply a wistful thought and as far as I am aware… no great gain ever came from wistful thoughts.
And so..
Today the entire height, breadth and depth of my insular world is weighing on my chest.
But for now we see through a glass, darkly ... 