My First Act of Free Will

“My first act of free will shall be to believe in free will.” – William James

I have been considering the concept that part and parcel of my efforts to become a free agent and evaluate decisions on appropriately selfish metrics, is the ability to wilfully make wrong choices and bad compromises as long as I learn from the experience.

In my latest example, I allowed myself to be emotionally manipulated into acting under the impetus to “avoid guilt” (in a negative move away from pain rather than a positive move towards pleasure.)

I was asked to do a favor, which I refused. A sensible decision based on my workload, state of mental & physical wellbeing and my assessment of mine, and others, potential gain/loss from my participation. I was, however, co-erced into retracting my refusal despite my numerous protests in an act it would be only marginally exaggerating to call emotional blackmail. I don’t feel great about myself or the other party as a result of this. (To put it mildly.)

What I have learned, however, has shattered my ego somewhat; as I see with disarming clarity the number of times people have shelved their sense of self, their personal needs and desires, in order to support, appease or placate me. For this I am, of course, immeasurably grateful. Conversely, I can also see the number of occasions people have, steadfast in the face of my blazing need & a choice selection of tricks from every 25yr old female’s arsenal, simply refused to pause their lives for me.

I have significantly more respect for the latter.

I wish I could have been more gracious, less petulant, in the face of their instinct for self preservation. But, blinded by the unwavering egotism that comes with distress, I saw only an abandonment of me (and therefore a lack of love, care and protection) rather than an instinct towards their own personal requirement and situation (and, perhaps, a knowing and trust that not only would I be ok by myself, but that the act of being denied the escape route and my subsequent ‘survival’ might actually teach me something.)

With hindsight I’d like to thank each of you who denied me, whilst apologising in advance to those upon whom I will inflict the temporary pain of passing on this lesson in person.

Lesson 3: Don’t Carelessly Flap Your Wings

Today was a timely and necessary illustration towards the concept of ‘living in the moment’. I could not in a million years have predicted the ebb and flow of the day and I wouldn’t have survived any attempt to foresee, halt or change the course of events that occured.

What pleases me most, I think, and on a day where it almost seems cruel to be pleased at all such is the havoc I have left in my wake (*note to butterflies everywhere, don’t carelessly flap your wings) is that I didn’t hold back and I acted on two distinct impulses. Both unexpected, both of which felt right, both were fraught with barriers (fear, insecurity, path of least resistance) and accordingly, both of which I could easily have over-analysed into inaction. Similarly, I didn’t act on another impulse, which if I am honest felt instinctively wrong, but I desperately wanted and could easily have rationalised as right.

I made choices.
I feel like I made the right choices.
I survived the day.
Yet I am in vast amounts of pain and have caused Tornados in Texas

So I can’t help but wonder how to reconcile my desperate need for independence and completeness of self, with an awareness and care for everyone and everything else. If I act solely in my own self interest for a short while as I am going to need to do (because, surely, if anything has been learnt to date it is that the chasm created by my insecurity, faithlessness in my worth and low entire lack of self esteem, cannot be solved by my attachments to drugs or food or, more importantly, to people.) Then, in this instance, what is my responsibility and rational for the pain my personal growth causes others?

But i guess i already answered my own question.
I mustn’t carelessly flap my wings. Or to rephrase. Be far more mindful of causing unecessary harm.

Second Lesson.. ‘just me’

Be gentle first with yourself – if you wish to be gentle with others.
– Lama Yeshe

Feeling like the last 24 hours were an exercise in mercilessness: throwing myself in at the deep end of a series of pools of unknown magnitude. The good news is I realised that I could still swim. However, I could probably have found that same information out by simply climbing into the pool down the steps.

And though I think it was an interesting and worthwhile (if not, indeed, vital) exercise, from tomorrow I’ll be looking for middle ground. Which is tough as I have never yet felt comfortable within the grey scale.

So I have been mulling over the concept of neither wanting and pursuing everything my heart desires until I get it and more, nor restricting, shutting down, closing off and stepping away entirely but rather accepting with grace what is given and is available..

My conclusion?
I should tread more softly and allow myself more time, as anything I construct this quickly will fall just as fast. I have years to build a foundation strong enough to sustain all that I can be and I owe this time to myself. I am my own worst enemy. Constantly pushing. Never good enough. Expectations which, in the rare case they are not altogether unachievable, are certainly unsustainable.

And what hypocrisy as I urge and advise you of your beauty and accept you as a whole. Those things you regard as flaws sitting as neatly in my idea of you as those things you pride yourself upon. No value attribution. Just you.

…and now, to find ‘just me’.

My lesson to Myself for today

It can be difficult to accept others and to accept ourselves.
“I should be better. I should be something different. I should have more.”

All of this is conception; it’s all mental fabrication. It’s just the mind churning up “shoulds,” “ought tos,” and “supposed tos.” All this is conceptual rubbish, and yet we believe it. Part of the solution is to recognize that these thoughts are conceptual rubbish and not reality; this gives us the mental space not to believe them.

When we stop believing them, it becomes much easier to accept what we are at any given moment, knowing we will change in the next moment. We’ll be able to accept what others are in one moment, knowing that they will be different in the next moment..

– Thubten Chodron