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Is it honorable to feel pain?
I know, big question for an opening.
Somehow, though, I don’t feel like the preamble..
Not now, not tonight.
Is there a reward for coming home to an empty flat?
Sitting. Hurting. Calling no one, escaping nowhere..
no tv, no fantasy, no novel.. no sex, no drugs, no food.
Just alone. Just pain.
Is there a truth here? Is this all of us? All humanity?
Am I experiencing all it is to be truly human?
Am I really.. (you say I am).. but am I really, really, more broken than most?
Or just more aware?
or neither?
(or delusional.. or wanting..)
I find no peace here, no honesty.
No joy or salvation in the truth. Just pain.
Hence the question..
Is it honorable to feel pain?
*Socrates
I have recently created a physical space for myself that is new, challenging, frequently frightening and within which I have worked hard to begin the difficult process of eliminating my reliance on safety nets and comfort blankets.
Yet, as I continue (begin?) to figure out who I am, what I am doing, what I want to do and how I can be of use in this world, I continue to post here under an anonymous blog.
Next step.
Have the faith in myself, and those around me, to be able share this blog and thus to admit to:
Who I have been*
(frequently false, scared, confused, angry, lost, thoughtless or selfish)
Who I am*
(learning, growing, healing, listening, reclaiming responsibility and becoming independent)
Who I aspire to be*
(beneficial, oriented, honest, open and accepting, clear, calm, mindful and compassionate)
..and in admitting it, finally begin to reconcile the words I write in cyberspace with the words I speak, and the actions I take in my life on this planet.
* I have always, and will continue always, to love. Love completely. Love fearlessly. Love unwaveringly and Love without reason, expectation, analysis or question.
In fact, that’s the first thing I can add to my bio.
“I Love”
It can be difficult to accept others and to accept ourselves.
“I should be better. I should be something different. I should have more.”
All of this is conception; it’s all mental fabrication. It’s just the mind churning up “shoulds,” “ought tos,” and “supposed tos.” All this is conceptual rubbish, and yet we believe it. Part of the solution is to recognize that these thoughts are conceptual rubbish and not reality; this gives us the mental space not to believe them.
When we stop believing them, it becomes much easier to accept what we are at any given moment, knowing we will change in the next moment. We’ll be able to accept what others are in one moment, knowing that they will be different in the next moment..
– Thubten Chodron
It’s been a difficult fortnight, and I am aware I’ve been making an effort to socialise to keep myself from hauling up like a hermit with only my own thoughts for company. I’ve noticed that it is easier to sleep if I’ve had a couple of drinks, so I’ve been seeking out situations where I can drink in order to help me rest.
Although I mean ‘a couple’ of drinks, as in 2 or 3, and although I haven’t been ‘drunk’ at all, I have been enjoying the hazy, languid, glow that alcohol puts over the world – like a silk scarf over a bedside lamp – a little too much.
This is not clever.
I hope that by observing and acknowledging this, it doesn’t become a problem.
Today the entire height, breadth and depth of my insular world is weighing on my chest.
I’d describe it as somewhat of a difficult day but this has me thinking about what ‘difficult’ would actually even mean in this context. Clearly the day itself isn’t difficult. Getting through today is simply a matter of staying still and not expiring for 24 hours while the world goes about its merry way around me. I could do this and accordingly the weight would lift. But the gravitas exists because, try as I may, I cannot let the world alone. I have to act upon the will to change my life and my world, and as we all know acting upon a decision is what makes it real. Doing something about it is what causes it to have been a decision and not simply a wistful thought and as far as I am aware… no great gain ever came from wistful thoughts.
And so..
Today the entire height, breadth and depth of my insular world is weighing on my chest.
But for now we see through a glass, darkly ... 